Babycakes

So I was not procrastinating on facebook, when I noticed this ad suggesting I become a pre-school teacher:

babycakes

The afterbirth of Google privacy settings.

May I draw your attention to the image of a baby baked into a cake? Is it a warning or a metaphor? And is that an oven rack? Seriously, this post should just be a series of question marks.

I’m not sure how this is meant to lure me into teaching preschool. Am I meant to understand that if I don’t teach preschool someone less responsible will just say “fuck it,” and bake all the babies?

Even if this is just a janky internet spam-bot mistake, someone out there had to make that cake in order for this image to exist. You think about that. Because I can’t stop.

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Open letter to ladies ages 22-27:

My therapist says I need female friends my age. Thus, I have decided to write a personal ad, à la craigslist, to fetch me a lady friend.

Will you be my friend?

Fun facts for prospective friends:

1)      Despite those episodes of SVU you’ve seen, I’m not a serial rapist/murder posing as a lady.

2)      I hate ice cream and icing –so I’m fun at parties.

3)      Do you like puns? Because I’m PUNch full of them.

4)       I like every TV show you like. (I know, because I facebook stalked you first. –Only a little, nothing weird.)

5)      Sometimes I think I smell like osteoporosis, and it would be nice to have someone around to confirm.

6)      I’ve thought about bookmarking X-files on Hulu for us, because I’m thoughtful.

7)      Your boobs will always be bigger than mine (this applies to prospective male friends too).

8)      We can sing into hair brushes and wear friendship bracelets spun from golden spools of loyalty and companionship, while dancing onto the set of Practical Magic?  Or Practically Tragic, whichever happens first.

On the serious, I just need someone to talk to about vaginas, lasers, Dermot Mulroney’s scar, the tunnel between my nose and my ear, that new freckle on my thumb … maybe I need to seek a doctor, instead.

"Let's talk about that freckle some more..."

Pillows (What an exciting topic, Cassandra!)

Initially, I was going to write a rant about how pillows are nearly always positioned the WRONG way on TV, but it turns out images of sitcom bedroom scenes are not easy to google without coming across some twisted Everybody Loves Raymond shit.  My search also made me realize that there are a vast array of strange pillow designs that should NOT exist, but do (perhaps to “cushion” the onslaught of Ray Romano Porn).

Anyway, here are some of my strangest finds:

1.  The  Wearable Office pillow: 

Dead inside.

This collar, tie, and sleeve combo offers a super inconspicuous way of  sleeping on the job. Bonus: If you really want to get out of work you can say you have radical elephantiasis.

2. The Corny Pillow:                                           

"Nooo, my spine isn't bent weird at all right now."

I can’t even think of a more straight forward way to tell your kids you think they have no friends. “This pillow is shaped like that food you love, only you can name all the kernels and invite them to tea on your new yellow play mat  (the play mat that is a constant reminder that no matter how hard you try, you will never be one of them). Happy Birthday!”             

3.  Truncated lady:                                                  

"Soo much more comfy than the dead woman in my freezer."

 …This depresses me to the core. My truncated lady core –Ha!  But seriously, what does this say about the human condition? (The lower half, that is.)                 

4.  Sawing Logs

"I'm so meta, right now."

 This one isn’t that crazy, but I think any image where models are forced to pose with dumb objects is worth sharing.  Just look at her trying to make that dumb log pillow sexy. Work for that check, girl! Someday you’ll be a star! 

5.  The Hard Core Plush Blood Puddle             

It's ok, she has a care bear Life Alert system on standby.

I’ll admit this seems cool, until you realize you have to  lie down on gross surfaces in order to create a convincing effect. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t just casually hang out on the bathroom floor. Also when you aren’t lying on it, it will  just look like a plush diagram of the liver (which, depending on your decorating aesthetic, could be a plus).

 6.  Paleontologists Dreams                                                 

And lastly, this straight-dope pillow set is just what you needed for that unsightly guest room/gallery with incredibly high ceilings. Now you can greet your guest with science and comfort.  You’re welcome.