My therapist says I need female friends my age. Thus, I have decided to write a personal ad, à la craigslist, to fetch me a lady friend.
Will you be my friend?
Fun facts for prospective friends:
1) Despite those episodes of SVU you’ve seen, I’m not a serial rapist/murder posing as a lady.
2) I hate ice cream and icing –so I’m fun at parties.
3) Do you like puns? Because I’m PUNch full of them.
4) I like every TV show you like. (I know, because I facebook stalked you first. –Only a little, nothing weird.)
5) Sometimes I think I smell like osteoporosis, and it would be nice to have someone around to confirm.
6) I’ve thought about bookmarking X-files on Hulu for us, because I’m thoughtful.
7) Your boobs will always be bigger than mine (this applies to prospective male friends too).
8) We can sing into hair brushes and wear friendship bracelets spun from golden spools of loyalty and companionship, while dancing onto the set of Practical Magic? Or Practically Tragic, whichever happens first.
On the serious, I just need someone to talk to about vaginas, lasers, Dermot Mulroney’s scar, the tunnel between my nose and my ear, that new freckle on my thumb … maybe I need to seek a doctor, instead.